Becoming a father Part 1

At first... I didn't want to be a father.  I was afraid.  I wasn't sure of myself.  I believe that it is the fathers duty to provide and protect his family.  I wasn't sure I could do that.  I was afraid of losing the spontaneous aspects of life.  

This is my story.

I sat alone in a dimly lit hallway.  I distinctively remember the hard surfaces that surround me.  There was a faint echo of others further away,  but I was alone.  I knew what I had to do.  I reached for my phone and called my mother,  I noticed a clock on the wall with read 3:15 AM.   I knew I would wake her up,  but she needed to know.
"Hello?"  My mothers groggy voice answered.
"Hi Mom."  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  I knew I didn't have much strength left so I had to make it quick.
"What's wrong" My mothers voice asked anxiously,  clearly realizing something was wrong.
"......Mom..... the baby didn't make it."  I waited for an answer, but all I heard was silence.  I had to be strong enough to deliver the last piece of information.  "And neither did Heidi."
I didn't wait for a reply.  I couldn't take it any longer.  My emotions overcame my senses.  I dropped the phone to the floor and covered my eyes.  I wept.  I wished my life had ended right then and there.  A few hours earlier I had gone to the hospital with my wife who was in labor.  This was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.  The day I became a father.  It all happened shortly after we were admitted.  A relatively small problem, turned into another problem, which escalated until the last moments of my wife's life.  I watched the strength leave her body, and I knew she was gone.  And here I was.  Left alone.  Every hope, plan, and dream had ended.

I woke up.  I checked my wife who was sleeping next to me.  She was real.  It was only a nightmare, but it seemed so real.  It was still dark in our room, checking the clock, it was 430 AM.  I lay silent,  and wept.  What a horrible way to start off the day.

At the time of the dream Heidi was about 30 weeks along.  I decided I wouldn't tell her about the dream, because I didn't want to cause alarm or panic.  I kept it to myself.  Whenever I had a thought of "i'm not ready to be a father" the dream sprang back into my mind.  I knew what I wanted.  I wanted to be a husband and a father.   The dream seemed to weigh more and more heavy on my mind as the due date approached.  I kept reminding myself that it was only a dream.  I found myself praying a lot.  I asked for everything to go well.  I begged for my family to remain with me.  I begged that my dream would not come true.

"I'm having contractions"  was one of the first things Heidi told me that morning.
"Okay,  I'll cancel work and be with you"  I replied.
"No.  It can take all day,  but I don't want to be alone so i'll come with you"  she countered.
Not wanting to argue with her, I took Heidi to work with me.  (I'm a concrete contractor mind you)
When we get to the job I realize how ridiculous it was.  The job was out in the commercial district of Salt Lake.  We were working on a new road which had been put in about a week prior.  I was working on some of the utilities and Heidi,  not wanting to take it easy in the truck decided to come out and be with me.  Every once in a while she would grimace in pain, and then go pack to normal.   I didn't like the situation, but whenever I mentioned the idea of leaving she responded. "NO,  Not until we are done."    I called for some reinforcement so I could get done faster.  By this time Heidi wasn't just watched me work, she was helping.  She wanted to walk, so she walked a wheelbarrow about a quarter mile down the road.  By this time I could tell it was getting pretty intense.    She went and sat in the truck while I finished up a few things and waited for a someone else to come take my place.

After Vic arrived, (one of our guys)  I explained a few things and got out of there.  I wanted to head to the hospital,  but Heidi wanted to wait.  So we went home.  We cleaned up and waited.  It was pretty bad.  I felt worthless.  The only thing I could do is write down the timing and duration of contractions.

Heidi wanted to get a few things at target so we jumped in the car and headed over.  By now the contractions were pretty bad.  To the point where she could hardly breathe.  Heidi kept saying she wanted to wait, because she didn't want the hospital to send her home.   So while we were in Target and she was contracting,  I decided to get a second opinion.  I called my friend who is also a DR.  He explained that we were to the point that we needed to go to the hospital.

I became excited.  This was going to happen tonight!  As we both started towards the register, we both had a boost of excitement/energy.  And then low and behold,  we have to run into people we know who want to talk.  And at the exact time Heidi starts contracting again.  We made our pleasantries short and got to the register to ring up our last minute (literally) items.  And yeah you guessed it, the cashier wanted to talk about when we were due.  "Tonight, Right now.  We are going to the hospital now."  Heidi said which seemed to be at the beginning of another contraction.   At this proclamation, the line behind us seemed to get excited, wishing us the best we ran out of the store.

I didn't speed.  My Dr friend said it wasn't necessary.  I was a bit sad that I had lost my free day.  On the drive Heidi called her mom to tell her the news.  After She dialed my mom.  When I heard the faint voice of my mother over Heidi's phone, my heart sank.  The dream came flooding back into my memory.  My excitement gone, and fear rising I began to pray.

Getting signed into the hospital is pretty uneventful.  Sign here, initial there,  question about this ect.
We were pretty anxious to get into a room,  for some reason you don't feel safe in the lobby.  You need your own room for a baby to come.

Finally we were let into our room.

Theives of solace

Ryan Barton

English 2010

Memoir

Jessica Frogley

Thieves of Solace

I watched the pavement close to the Jeep.  At first it was clear.  I could see the vivid features of the asphalt. I could almost pick out, each piece of oil covered gravel.   The traffic light turned green and the vivid distinctions quickly evaporated into a blur as the jeep gained speed bombarding up the onramp.  My excitement matched the jeeps speed growing more intense with time.  We were on our way to our spring break adventure.    

            My excitement was short lived. My persona transformed into boredom as the mile markers passed.   Three and a half hours seems longer when sitting in one seat.  Heidi slowly moved closer to me resting her head on my shoulder.  A single strand of blonde hair teased me by softly tickling my nose.  For a moment I forgot we were in the back seat of a jeep traveling 80 mph down a desert road.   This is all I ever wanted. 

            Panic!  “Ryan, where do we go from here?”  Trevor (the driver) managed to enter into my paradise.  We were fast approaching a fork in the road.  I scrambled around the tight space I called my own, searching for the directions.  Quickly scanning my poorly written directions, miraculously I found it.  “Turn right” I declared, and not a moment too soon.   We flew around the bend at an alarming speed.  It seemed that Trevor was as sick of driving just as much as we were of sitting.  Or maybe he was pressured at the thought of putting up a tent in the dark.  The sun was setting low in the west and it wouldn’t be long until it would hide itself behind the red cliffs in the distance.

            The once smooth gliding of the Jeep turned into a bumps and jolts at the transition of asphalt to dirt.  The campground wasn’t far.  Before leaving I had looked at some satellite pictures to map some place to camp in the vast B.L.M. land before us.  Still going faster than necessary we past the empty parking lot where A.T.V. enthusiasts would park their trailers in the summer. We continued up the windy dirt canyon road, passing the natural beauty of the red rock dancing in the glow of a setting sun. 

            I was surprised to see so many campers.  We thought we would be alone in this vast expanse of land.  It still was relatively early in the season for tourists.  It was our goal to camp far from anyone and find solace in the desert.  The road became more treacherous as we climbed the mountain looking for our destined spot.  Large white rocks jutted out of the   red road looking like broken bones piercing out flesh.   The jeep wouldn’t be able to continue much longer if the road continued to in its ragged deterioration.

            At last we found the place we were looking for.  Forces of nature had painstakingly formed this spot for millions of year.  The red rock formed a U shape around a level sandy surface overlooking the valley below.  In the distance Red white and orange plateaus’ lined the horizon.  For one searching for solace this was paradise.  We scanned the horizon looking for anything that clashed with our natural surroundings.  We were alone.  We had the isolation we were looking for. 

            Opening the door to the Jeep we were welcomed by the warm aroma of fresh desert air.  One could decipher the hint of dry sand on the tail end of the calm breeze that greet us to our temporary home.  The small sun seared trees seemed tired from enduring many harsh summer months and yet happy as they swayed with the breeze.  The five of us stood quietly taking in the sight of grandeur before us.  With the sunset upon the valley, the mixture of red light and red rock turned the entire landscape into an inferno of hot color.

            With the threat of darkness upon us we set up our tents in at a rapid pace.  Standing back to admire our work, we stared at the awkward fabric that imposed on the once natural beauty of nature.  It seemed so out of place in this environment.  Just like us.  City kids in the middle of desert.  We had no business being isolated away from the loving care of our mothers. 

            As the sun hide itself from the traumatic injustice of our tents, the night cold set in.  Pulling the box of wood from out of the jeep we attempted to build a fire without matches.  After a few minutes of failure we gave into the modern day breakthrough of matches.  With a slight flick of the wrist we created fire.

            The fire burned Big and hot.  Our camp chairs slowly migrating away from the flames as the coals grew hotter.  The sound of laughter, and storytelling were drowned out by the silence around us.  Silence has its own therapeutic features which soothe the soul.  As I sat focusing on the flicker of the flames and the endless silence of the desert I was swept away in relaxation.

            Suddenly without warning light filled the darkness on the road below us.  A group of three vehicles was pummeling into our sanctuary.  Soon the laughter around the fire turned to silence as all of our party noticed the uninvited guests approaching.  The three off road vehicles stopped in front of our camp site.  There was enough room for a couple of more tents, “but really?” they wouldn’t dare camping in the same spot as us.  My thoughts turned into words as I spoke with our camping party who were all afraid of the same thing. 

            Our fears were lightened as the convoy began their journey further up the road.  But the relief was short lived. The first vehicle broke new ground, blazing a new path to the rocks above us.  The two other vehicles followed their leader just as a sheep would follow their shepard.  They stopped in a half circle 50 yards from our campsite. The roar of their engines died.  The sliver of silence was shattered by doors flinging open and kids, so many kids jumping out of the vehicles.  “Noisy good for nothing campers!” Our silent conversation was broken by our disdain for the newcomers.  Immediately we began planning on what we should do in order to make them leave.  “Shoot the guns and act like we are drunk” was the first of our genius plans. 

            Hours passed.  We had many ideas but none had taken effect.  No one wanted to leave the warmth of the fire.  All we wanted was the sounds of yelling kids to go away.  The silence that once surrounded us was consumed by the children at play.  Our peaceful solitude had turned into a raging summer carnival.  The yells coming from on top of the hill were distinctly audible so much that we could hear their loud conversations with every annoying audible.        

The hours passed, along with our attempts at formulating a plan to rid ourselves of these unwanted guests.  The children had begun to play hide and seek which inevitably led them into our camp.  The infiltration of the visitors caused us to retreat to a tent for some phase 10.  Within the flimsy walls of the tent we realized that we could not hide from our foes.  The tent seemed to illuminate their endless banter.  As the hours slowly moved towards midnight our speech and dislike for the campers grew more intense. Screaming at times "SHUT UP!” which seemed to do nothing but humor our constituents. 

We were not alone in our annoyance.  It seemed that the Earth itself had enough of these guys.  Shortly after midnight the wind began to blow.  While safe in our little nook, the wind on top of the hill seemed that of a roaring jet engine.  Filling our neighbor’s camp with cloud after could of dusty tumble weeds.  After hours of scheming we were unable to silence our foes, but within moments of the galactic burst of air, our neighbors were silent.  All we could hear was the melodic hum of the wind above us.

As we retired to our tents nature had again taken over its home.  The wind blew in uneven bursts creating a melodic lullaby that nurtured us to sleep.  The tent moved inwards and outwards with the gentle spray of wind that entered our protected cavern.  We laughed to ourselves knowing that fifty yards away on top of the hill, the wind raged with all of its ferocity.  Our unwanted guests were given a taste of their own medicine, an unprecedented amount of unwanted annoyance which seemed to be completely out of their power.

Happy Family?

This picture was taken shortly after the "this is going to be fun... or else" speech.  

Just kidding.  Grandma Sue is terrified of guns, we got her to hold the AR-15 for a little bit.

I'm not going to lie i was a little scared even though it wasn't loaded.

Sucky

I've Learned one major lesson when it comes to business.  Always Always Always!, have a contract.  When starting out a business you may say "Oh lets get things rolling first and then take it from there."  This is the mistake I made.  I thought everyone i was working with was reasonable and willing to make the business a good experience for everyone.  I realized my mistake yesterday when one of the partners explained,  "Business is never fair and never will be."  It's strange though.  They are making demands for the department that i hold all the cards in.  So my question at the moment is.... Should i force a fair contract on the partners?  Should i sit back and be taken advantage of?  Should i drop the company and start a new one?  My idea as of now is to get a firm contract signed among all of the partners.  I'll let you know how it goes.  

A Taste of San Francisco California

We found this on a little hike

so cute




Down the street of China Town

Another Adventure

 We recently returned from a short trip to San Francisco.  We were privileged to learn about the donnor party and why they got stuck in the snow.  In all honesty it was pretty bad.  I haven't ever driven in anything so terrifying.  It was horrible due to the large amount of snow fall mixed with high winds and extremely cold temperatures.  It was the worst white out I've ever driven in.  There were times that i could not even see the end of my car.  After a few hundred miles our chains gave up and decided to break, taking large amounts of paint with them.
 My Father in law called my wife and told her to admit that it was completely stupid to have gone on such a meaningless vacation.  That we risked our lives for nothing.   Me?  well I don't agree.  I Belive it was completely worth it.  We had some great times in San Francisco, seeing things we've never seen, growing closer in our relationships with one another.  I learned a lot about my brother in laws and feel that we have a better relationship because of it.  I also had a lot of wonderful time with my wonderful wife.  To me this is Life is all about.  The Experiences we have throughout life should be diverse.  The should consist not only of good times, but bad times as well.  Yes it was kinda crazy driving through the pass, but in reality i wouldn't change it.  Going through something bad, usually has a good outcome.  Well at least it has in my experience.

    Ps.  there is a major difference between being reckless vs taking risks.

Love in the Purest form

I love this girl!